Movie Review - Sorority House Vampires from Hell

Sorority House Vampires from Hell


AKA:

Sorority House Vampires

It's back to blogging for me again, hopefully, and I decided to continue my progress in the Bite Night collection of films that are so terrible they made me want to quit blogging. Maybe not that bad, but very close.

Sorority House Vampires from Hell, directed by both Geoffrey de Valois and Eugene James, "stars" Kathy Presgrave as Buffy (interesting choice of names, right?), a sorority pledge for Alpha Beta (haha get it? alphabet-a? yeah, just think of watching the whole movie) who gets caught up in some hazing, some bondage-loving freaks, and - oh yeah, a 200 year old vampire woman with a thirst for 9 victims. This anorexic vamp likes the beautiful women, and causes a natural disaster with each one of her blood-lettings. Did I mention she was sent to Earth by a bad CGI alien with tentacles who likes to watch naked women pole dance on imaginary poles and moan for no reason? So throughout the movie, this vamp Natalia (Eugenie Bondurant) tracks down hapless victims (most of them with better-than-average female bodies but with no brains) and spouts off facts and info on 90s political references and environmental claptrap. Her main target is Buffy for some reason (must be the name again), but after a music video and some soft-core porn, interlaced with some bad innuendo-filled jokes, Buffy triumphs over Natalia - with a couple of re-dos.

I hate to say I judge a book by its cover (in this case, a film by its title and first five minutes), but I do, and I did here as well. When I popped the DVD in, I was already ready for a terrible movie, and then when the first five minutes came rolling by with a woman dancing topless during the opening credits, along with bad 90s metal, I was totally bored. Another 5 minutes brings another woman who dances while annoyingly bad CGI effects talk gibberish about an alien sending a vampire down to Earth. I'd had almost enough of the softcore porn environment, so luckily we moved on to the real story.

What is this, a video game? I don't need a blood gauge!

Buffy and her friends are typical sorority members - you know, the ones with big boobs who wear revealing clothing and dabble in S&M. They take showers together, sneak boys into their rooms, save the Earth from Natalia - they're pretty much normal people, right?

The story wavers on having a direct course of action and going in complete circles. It feels as if two different stories were spliced together to create one, which mimics the fact that this movie needed not one, but two directors to create a direction that didn't go anywhere. But at least the film doesn't take itself seriously - the plot is loaded with comedy and self-effacing humor, and while it makes it lighthearted to feel like it's okay to laugh at their mistakes and terrible filmmaking ability, it still doesn't make up for the fact that the film's an entertainment sucker.

Come on! A music video with vampires while I'm watching the movie? Stupid electronica glitches throughout the entire film? A literal half-vampire? Too many boobs, ridiculous sex, and too much dancing? Rewinding the ending of the film twice, and then filming what I believed to be the cast party, which just confused the hell out of me of what was supposed to be the real ending? An infomercial at the end of the movie? This is ridiculous! Was it funny? Yes. Was it supposed to be? Not really.

All of the quirky antics can't save this film. For all of its humor, there's some totally unintentional laughs from the acting and scriptwriting that are unredeemable. I was getting antsy at the intermission, and I still had another 50 minutes to go. Cheesy, predictable, and rather boring, Sorority House Vampires gives you girls, boobs, some violence, and a whole lot of stupidity.

Sorority House Vampires from Hell (AKA Sorority House Vampires) on Rotten Tomatoes


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